I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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