Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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