Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
