Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
