whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
