So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
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