you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
