she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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