you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
