dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
