where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
