Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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