I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
