hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
