Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
