I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
