I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
