It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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