'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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