listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
