When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
