I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
