Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
