I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
