Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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