Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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