sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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