Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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