Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
