I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
