maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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