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i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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