you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
