I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I had to cum in my sink.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
