the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
