Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
