I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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