Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
