my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
