i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
