She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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