I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
