oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
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Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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