It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
