I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
