I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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