you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think a kid would responsible me up
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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