toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The best revenge is premature balding
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
