shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
