She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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