Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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