This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
