Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
sarcasm needs its own font
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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