id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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