If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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