My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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