smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
