I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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