I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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